Sustaining Yourself and Your Marriage Through Pregnancy Loss by Mrs. Dawn Greene

Can I tell you something? I have this friend named Chrissy. She and I have known each other for almost four decades, so I know almost everything about her. After witnessing the messy divorce of her parents, Chrissy never had a desire to be married. But when she was an undergrad, she met a really amazing guy named Lester, and ended up marrying him – twelve years later. Sis doesn’t rush to do anything. Chrissy and Lester have had their share of difficulty, but they’re happy with one other.

Answering the Question

Friends, family, and even random people are always asking Chrissy and Lester when they’re having children. They’ve been married nine years, so that’s a normal question, right? They usually share a quick glance with each other, and then respond with “No, not yet.” Now that Chrissy’s practically 40 years old, she feels like she’s lying. I mean, a newborn at 40? Girl. Besides, Chrissy likes to eat out, drink wine, and travel too much for a baby. Plus, twins run in Lester’s family. How would she handle a birth with multiples at her age?

A couple of years ago, Chrissy finally decided she was ready to have a child. Well, “ready” in the sense that she believed that she could afford diapers and wouldn’t totally break a little person’s spirit with the emotional baggage coursing through her family tree. After several months of fertility strips, temperature-taking, and cycle tracking, Chrissy became pregnant. I don’t think she believed it herself, even with all of those pregnancy tests she took. All double lines. All plus signs. The timing was perfect, too. The baby would be due right around their wedding anniversary. So sweet.

Shortly after, Chrissy started planning the baby shower. Seems too early? Well, you don’t know Chrissy. She’s a planner and a bit of a control freak. She doesn’t like surprises or change or a lack of complete autonomy. She created accounts on every mom-to-be website and even made a new e-mail address where she could write the baby sweet notes he/she could read when he/she was older. Every morning, Lester would kiss Chrissy’s belly and talk to the baby.

A loving two-parent, Christian household.

A planned pregnancy.

All of the ingredients needed for a happy and well-adjusted child.

Unplanned Pain

A few weeks later, Chrissy experienced the worst stomach pains of her life. It would come all of a sudden and keep her in bed for hours. Too afraid to go to the emergency room, she’d just wait until it subsided. And it did. Maybe she had eaten something bad or it was just a muscle spasm. Then it happened again a week later. After about five hours of agony, the pain left again. Thank goodness. Everything was fine.

When Chrissy hit the five-week mark of her pregnancy, she saw bright red blood. It seemed more than what should be normal, but she thought it was probably fine. She had read that light bleeding and spotting is common during the first trimester. But this wasn’t that. She called the OB/GYN office, and the nurse said it could be something… or it may not be anything. Either way, they wouldn’t be able to assist her. If she wanted to visit the emergency room, she could. Then Chrissy told her best friend, Sammie. Sammie had had two children, so surely she would know if this was normal or not. After hearing all the details, Sammie told Chrissy to go to the emergency room immediately.

The ER was packed. It took five hours and several tests before Chrissy and Lester were taken to a bright, sterile room and Chrissy was given a hospital bed and a gown. They listened as the doctor explained that the embryo had fused to the left ovary.

Ectopic.

No way for the pregnancy to go full-term.

Mandatory surgery.

Right now.

They’d try to save all the reproductive organs, but she’d likely loose an ovary and a fallopian tube.

“Are you okay?” the doctor asked.

Chrissy nodded and smiled, still processing all of the information. If she needed surgery to survive, then she wanted to get this over with as quickly as possible.

It was around midnight when they wheeled Chrissy to the OR. Knowing that Lester hated hospitals, Chrissy felt a sense of guilt that her body had failed her and put them in this situation. They fist bumped, and Lester left to sit in the waiting room. The doctor told him it would only be an hour.

Around 4:30 am, Chrissy woke up. The surgery had been much more complex than originally thought. The doctor had taken her time removing the “ball of cells” from Chrissy’s left ovary. Her baby had been reduced to cells – medical waste. Thankfully, the doctor was able to save all of Chrissy’s reproductive organs. The nurses assured her that she’d deliver another baby the next time she visited that hospital. While she knew their intentions were good, Chrissy didn’t want to hear the prophesies of random women attempting to soothe her emotions.

Though in excruciating pain, Chrissy was allowed to go home. Instructions and prescriptions were placed in a white folder and given to Lester. As they were making their way home, Chrissy realized something wasn’t right with her body. There had been complications from the surgery. Lester rushed her back, and they stayed there another twelve hours.

Answering the Pain

The weeks after the surgery were a blur. Chrissy couldn’t bring herself to tell anyone about what she’d been through—what they’d both been through—nor could she move without feeling like someone was twisting her internal organs. Every time the medical bills poured in, they reminded her of the loss. Eventually, she worked up the nerve to tell a couple of close family members.

No empathy, just blank stares and nodding.

No apologies, no embraces, no offers of help.

Chrissy decided right then that she was better off keeping this whole mess to herself.

Three months later it hit her – she’d lost their baby. The baby they had planned for, the baby they had loved. The baby she had finally wanted after dismissing the idea for so many years. The pain, the devastation, the grief, the guilt, and the sadness were all too much. As she spoke to Sammie on the phone, she couldn’t stop the tears. They flowed out of her like a broken faucet. Sammie, in her loving yet firm way, stated that Chrissy needed to consider therapy. Therapy? That meant something was wrong; that she wasn’t in control anymore; that she couldn’t fix herself. Knowing Chrissy, Sammie decided to dry snitch on her to Lester.

“Are you mad at me?” Sammie asked later.

“No,” Chrissy responded, slightly ashamed of her imperfection. “Thank you for helping me.”

Putting her pride aside, Chrissy eventually called a Christian therapist and started making bi-weekly appointments. Tears. More tears. She left every session with puffy eyes and a clogged nose, but at least she was discussing it. Telling this stranger about her innermost feelings about one of her most painful experiences felt strange at first, but as time progressed, she learned how to take the truth of the Word and the tools from therapy to arm herself against the depression attempting to drown her (Ephesians 6:11-17).

Sharing My Story

So now that you know about Chrissy and her story, can I share something else? Chrissy isn’t really my friend. Chrissy is me, and “Lester” is my husband Cedric. On January 8, 2018, I underwent surgery for an ectopic pregnancy, and I suffered from severe anxiety and depression more than a year afterward. I thought I had to be completely healed before I could share my story, but in all actuality, it’s important for me to tell you how much God has done for me through this tragedy (Mark 5:19). The scars remind me of the surgery, but also of God’s capability to heal, restore, sustain, and change your situation to His narrative.

While my husband and I didn’t set aside time to officially discuss the pregnancy loss, we both have had to comfort one another (2 Corinthians 1:3-4). He’s held me while I released a few of those soul-wrenching, hyperventilating cries. He’s listened patiently while I worked through my anger, my questions, my fear, my uncertainty, and my depression. He’s keeping our vows. You don’t really consider how you’ll have to make good on all of the sweet things you say when you’re in front of the pastor and all of your family and friends. But you will – and it’s hard. Extremely hard. My husband and I are relatively private people, so most don’t have any idea of the struggles we’ve endured over the past 21 years. But there’s one comforting constant in each hardship. Our LORD. He’s been a Father (Romans 8:15) when I questioned the intentions of my own father and brought that pain into our marriage. He saw us in distressing moments and offered His comfort and guidance (Genesis 16:13). He’s shown His power and faithfulness when we both thought a circumstance was impossible (Genesis 17:1-2). He’s been Yahweh – the Self-existing One who is our source; always present, always accessible, always forgiving, always guiding.

Why am I telling you all of this? Surely not because I have all of the answers or I’m totally “over it”. It’s because I know what it feels like to do all the “right” things the “right” way and still experience pain. Losing the pregnancy was devastating, but His grace was enough (2 Corinthians 12:9). And that’s not a cute Bible verse I quote when someone’s hurting – it’s a truth I’ve lived. I couldn’t have walked through this valley experience without His guidance, protection, and provision over me and my marriage. And it’s not because I prayed the right prayers and studied the right verses. For months, I didn’t have the energy or desire to pray. God just showed me grace (Ephesians 2:8-9) and mercy (Luke 6:36) because of who He is.

I invite you to know the Lord on a personal level. Look for scriptures that you can relate to, then research free tools to help you understand the context. Don’t just read the Bible and pray because you think it’ll keep you on God’s radar. You know when you’re really feeling a man and you want to get to know him? All those changes you go through? Keep that same energy with God, sis – then multiply it.

So, for those women reading this who’ve experienced pregnancy loss, know that God is right there with you. Regardless of how you feel, He’s there (Exodus 33:14). He understands (Matthew 26:38). And He’ll help you (Isaiah 41:10). I don’t believe you ever truly get over something like this, but I can attest to God using me, my husband, our life together, and even our difficulties as His mouthpiece. There is joy afterwards.

I pray my story has helped you in some way – whether it’s rededicating your relationship with Jesus, reconsidering the characteristics of the man you’re dating, setting appropriate boundaries with family and friends, practicing self-care, assessing your inner circle, or forgiving yourself. God loves you so very much. When the knowledge of that truth becomes a part of your spiritual DNA, there’s nothing that you and Jesus can’t walk through together successfully.

 Blessings,

-Dawn

About the Author

Dawn has a passion for equipping and empowering women to live out loud for Jesus. Her loves include Christ, her family, and friends, laughing loudly, collecting passport stamps, giving great hugs, eating amazing food and listening to jazz.

Dawn lives in the Washington, DC Metro area with her husband, Cedric.