Are You Ready to Love?
A few years ago, Oprah Winfrey released a reality show called Ready to Love. The show follows 20 single, Black professionals as they tackle the dating scene in Atlanta. Watching Ready to Love has been an eye-opener for me, as it has basically acted like a mirror, reflecting the reality of my dating mindset. Throughout each episode, I constantly find myself wondering, “Wow. Do I do that?” It’s easy to point the finger at people on television and believe that we know what they need to work on—I mean, that’s one of the main reasons we like watching these shows, right? But a big part of being ready to love is being bold enough to deal with our own stuff.
On this particular Valentine’s Day, after all of the twists and turns that 2020 brought your way, you might be disappointed about the lack of opportunities you have had to develop new relationships, let alone find someone to love. You may even find yourself in the exact same season of waiting that you were in a year ago. Although life may not look the way you had hoped it would, there is value in this season. There is value in the wait.
Many of us tend to believe that when it comes to love, the heart is all that matters, but I’m here to tell you that what’s going on in your head is just as important! Your attitude about what God is doing in your heart in this season has a major impact on how you engage in relationships. If you’re ready to make a change in your mindset, I would like to share with you some tips that I have learned in my own season of waiting that may help you to be ready to love.
Tip 1: Deal with Your Own Stuff
When I talk to single women about their perspective of their future husband, much of their focus is typically on how spiritually, physically and emotionally perfect they want their husband to be. Everyone is looking for their own version of perfection in a man, but how many of us are allowing God to refine and perfect the work He wants to do in our hearts? I don’t think that we always realize that when we expect perfection from a spouse, that is also an expectation we have to hold to ourselves.
Whether we want to admit it or not, we all have baggage. We are not perfect. Every time you engage on a deep level with another human being, there will always be positive and negative takeaways that stick with us. All of the negative stuff is baggage. I used to drag my baggage from relationship to relationship, accumulating bad habits while blindly choosing to stay in relationships longer than I should have. I was afraid of being abandoned, and that fear caused me to take on the role of “fixing” relationships that were never meant to work.
Our fears will drive every decision we make, until we choose to face them openly, honestly, and courageously. You have to allow yourself to go through the pain of unpacking, confronting, and then releasing. As scary as this may sound, I want to remind you that you don’t have to do it alone. No matter what your past may look like, God is here with open arms to help you. There are also licensed professionals that are equipped to help us unpack our own stuff as we move towards healing. Transformation takes place when we release our own will and let God be God in all aspects of our life. That includes the good, the bad, and the ugly.
Tip 2: Be Content
To be content means to be satisfied. How many of us are truly satisfied with our lives? How many of us are truly satisfied with being single? Well, guess what. If you’re not content single, chances are that you will not be content married. Contentment is more about having the right frame of mind than being in the right situation. Your situation will change several times throughout your lifetime. There will be seasons of plenty and seasons of lack; seasons where you will be surrounded by people and seasons where you will be alone. If you do get married, there will even be times that the marriage is good and times when you want to run away. Seasons may change, but your mind should remain fixed on what you have; not what you lack.
As the apostle Paul sat in prison, he wrote a letter to the church of Philippi saying, “I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation” (Philippians 4:12). He was in jail with no idea of when his situation would change, and yet he continued to say, “I can do all things though Christ who strengthens me.” In Paul’s situation, when he should have been feeling hopeless, weak and depressed, he showed us that contentment comes from focusing on what Jesus was bringing to the table: strength in exchange for weakness. What is God doing in your current situation? Take some time right now to thank Him for what He’s doing, and if you can’t see it yet, ask Him to show you!
As you get ready to love, learn to be satisfied with where you are. That doesn’t mean that God cannot change your situation, but it does mean that you can relax and trust that when God does it, He will do it in His perfect time.
Tip 3: Enjoy Dating
Everyone you date is not your mate! When we have our minds focused on the person we’re dating being “the one”, what ends up happening is we either overlook serious red flags to make him fit into the perfectly decorated box we’ve reserved for him or we accept a relationship that is good, but might not be God’s best. As difficult as it may be—considering this is contrary to what many Christian single women are told—change your mindset from dating being the gateway to marriage, and look at dating as more of a tool to learn about yourself. Some people come into your life for a season or a lifetime; learn the difference. Learn to accept the person in front of you instead of the “potential” you hope they will turn out to be.
When dating is done right, you learn how to listen. You get to exercise and develop your discernment muscles, as you discover your own shortcomings and navigate the challenges that come with communicating with someone new. Dating also helps you to see in greater clarity what you desire from a relationship. Remember how we talked about baggage a minute ago? There are lessons to be learned from the baggage that comes from relationships. Don’t be afraid of them. Embrace them!
Getting Ready
Valentine’s Day is one day of the year that we set aside to shower those around us with symbolic gestures of love; however, this is something we should be doing 365 days a year. Allow your current season of singleness to be the training ground for that. Dealing with your issues, learning to be content and enjoying the dating process will lay a solid foundation in building healthy mindsets.
Love is more than how you feel; it’s also about how you live. What are the three tips presented above showing you about your readiness to love? Notice that perfection is not part of the equation. Take time during this season to walk through each step, fine tune what needs to be adjusted, change what needs to be changed, and keep believing that in the midst of it all, God has His hand on your life. And when His timing is right, it will happen. So, I ask again… are you ready to love? Hit reply and let me know how you are choosing to spend your Valentine’s Day this year and if you are ready to love?
Stay blessed and fabulous!
Xo,
Book Recommendations:
If you’re interested in going a little deeper into self-reflecting and self-care during these upcoming weeks, After the Rain: Gentle Reminders for Healing, Courage, and Self-Love by Alexandra Elle is a great book that was recommended to me, and I want to share it with you. Let me know your thoughts on social media, if you get the book!