Intentional Love: The Kind That Lasts

“The dating pool needs a permanent lifeguard.”

This is what ran through my mind as I reviewed the numbers and results from various polls and studies of American singles. Those numbers were staggering, and that was America alone. I couldn’t help but wonder how we got here. When we compare the divorce rate in the church with the world, there’s not much difference, and the reasons for divorce are also the same. As Christian women, many of us are finding it just as difficult to find “quality men” as our non-Christian friends, but I thought we were the “salt of the earth,” so what happened?

We Forgot How to Love Ourselves

The self-love movement has picked up speed in the last decade. Almost every other post from Tik-Tok to Instagram is from a self-love guru, showing us how to care for our minds and bodies in a way that helps us to become our best selves. God expects us to love ourselves. He instructs us in Matthew 22: 39 to love our neighbor as we love ourselves. But oftentimes as women, we neglect to care for our spiritual, mental, and emotional well-being; placing others above ourselves or forgetting self-love and care altogether.

We Forgot How to Love Each Other

Love is more of a choice than a feeling, but that kind of branding hasn’t exactly been approved by Hollywood. What we see in movies, hear in songs, and read about in novels is that conditional, “oops, I stumbled across this person, and they look really attractive” kind of love. For the most part, the idea of being intentional in loving each other through difficulty is lost, and getting down in the trenches with our partner to work on our relationship is more than what some of us “signed up for.” We usually invest in the fairytale and overlook the reality that love takes work. It’s a choice. To love others as we love ourselves is a daily choice, which is not as glamorous as the fairytale, making walking away to be a much easier solution.

We Forgot How to Love God

I’ve intentionally left this one for last because this is one of the biggest mistakes we make in our dating relationships specifically and our lives as a whole. I’ve been there. I know how it feels to settle for “good enough” instead of trusting in God’s timing. I know the frustration that sometimes comes with waiting on God’s best for your life. However, getting ahead of God is never the solution to “waiting intentionally.”

Loving God the right way looks like allowing Him to take first place in your heart. It looks like “seeking the kingdom first,” not as a backup plan or a lifeline for when things go wrong. When we open our hearts to receive God’s love, He teaches us how to love both ourselves and others. The secret to love that lasts is found not just in the word of God but in the love of God.

Here Are the Five Secrets to Life-Long Love:

1.     Love is ACTIVE

2.     Love is SELFLESS

3.     Love is GIVING

4.     Love is UNCONDITIONAL

5.     Love is INTENTIONAL

1 Corinthians 13:4-8 gives us a list of things that love represents. Love embodies patience, kindness, humility, selflessness, forgiveness, and perseverance. None of these traits come naturally to us, so for us to love in this way, we have to be INTENTIONAL. We cannot stumble and fall into a love that lasts. If we want our relationships to work, we must put in the work.

What Is Intentional Love, and How Do We Find It?

1.    Be direct about your expectations

Being direct can help us to fix problems, but it can also prevent issues from arising in the first place. A lot of the things that lead to conflict in any relationship stem from a lack of directness. Loving intentionally requires us to give the other person the best possible chance of loving us the “right way.” An uncommunicated boundary is easily crossed and, in my experience, is almost always crossed. Being intentional in love means having those conversations about the things you expect and your feelings around those expectations not being met.

2.    Be open to constructive criticism

Criticism is not necessarily a bad word. When you follow step one to intentional love, you’re going to have to give what some would call constructive criticism. The key to giving and receiving criticism is respect. Respect the other person’s opinions or feelings on the topic in question. Be open to actually listening to what they have to say, not to defend yourself or have a comeback, but to develop a deeper understanding of their point of view. Even if you disagree with what has been said, the effort you make to genuinely listen will not go unnoticed.

3.    Be aware of your uniqueness

Being aware of your uniqueness as a couple will go a long way in preserving your relationship. Society and social media would have us believe that there are cookie-cutter relationships and relationship goals for us to strive towards when the reality is that no two relationships are exactly the same. Your unique strengths and weaknesses, how they manifest, and how you deal with them will define your relationship. Holding yourself or your partner to the standard of another couple is unfair to both of you.

Love That Lasts

Being ready for love is a lot more than just a song from India Arie. It is a state of heart and mind. Love is not a sport for us to support from the sidelines; it is a ministry and reflection of God’s heart. If we want to emerge from our season of waiting and step into the harvest of plenty, we must sow the seeds early on. A healthy love that lasts is built on being intentional with how we love others, ourselves, and God.

Stay blessed and fabulous!

Xo,

Final Thoughts:

If you’re interested in going a little deeper into your Intentional Love Journey, join us as we go live on Instagram during the month of February for our 1st annual Intentional Love Series! Make sure to follow us on IG @waitinginheels for the full discussion topics and times.