Are You Afraid? by Mrs. Shirley el Toby

Growing up in the 90s, I used to love when my favorite show would air Saturday nights on Nickelodeon. Each episode opened with a group of kids venturing into the darkened woods together; the campfire their only source of comfort as they engaged in sharing a story that would scare them to death! Every week, the same question was posed, lit by the flicker of a dying flame: “Are You Afraid of the Dark?”

When you think about it, this is an honest question, and a good one at that. Are you afraid of mystery? Are you afraid of the unknown, the hidden? I believe many women in our culture are afraid of the dark when it comes to dating. We stalk potential suitors on social media and dating apps, diving into their past lives, until we somehow find ourselves on the page of their ex-girlfriend’s college roommate’s sister! We convince ourselves that our actions are merely an effort to know more about the guy, but the truth is that we are afraid of mystery. We are afraid of the unknown and the hidden. We are afraid of the dark.

But it must also be stated here that it is not just the dark we are afraid of; we are also afraid of the light. We are afraid of someone shining light into our own darkness, our faults, and unattractive ways. Though we have high expectations of the person we desire to marry, we expect to be accepted unconditionally, so if that person decides to point out an area in our life that needs to be changed, we become angry. But, my dear sisters who are Waiting in Heels, what you must understand is that you will not marry perfection, and perfection will not marry you. Please know that just as the dark is inevitable in the person you are waiting for, he will also act as one of the biggest lanterns in your life, aside from Christ, to expose the dark in you.

Speaking of Christ, consider how He is described in the Bible as being the light of the world that shines in the darkness (1 John 1:4-5). One of the ultimate aims of Jesus is to redeem us from being children of darkness to children of light (Ephesians 5:8). Think about what that truly means for a minute. In order for us to be children of the light, we have to be clean vessels that can display the glory of God. Therefore, allowing the light of Jesus to search our hearts and expose our darkness (our pride, greed, hatred, self-pity, and anger) is an act of faith. You have to believe that in order to receive Christ’s perfecting work of healing, growth, and transformation in your life, you must first receive the pain of correction that is brought forth by the flicker of the flame.

Marriage also acts as a lantern on the path of sanctification to help you see where the remnants of your old degenerated heart are, as well as the effect it has had on you, your spouse, those around you, and your relationship with God. Part of having a healthy Christian marriage means that you both have to commit to shining light on each other’s sins while you love each other unconditionally through whatever is exposed in the process. Like the campfire on the show provided a source of warmth and community, marriage should be a place where you and your spouse can come together and feel safe enough to be vulnerable.

 One way to prepare for this journey of no longer being afraid is to assess how you respond to God’s truths about who you are in scripture. Do you choose to highlight only the stories and verses that make you feel special and loved or do you also receive conviction in the narrative of God’s people in their rebellion, pride, jealousy, and dishonesty? Are you moved to repentance by God’s love for you in spite of your depravity? Are you able to receive tough and wise counsel from loved ones without lashing out? Are you considerate enough to push past the fear of potential conflict and lovingly discuss an issue with a loved one? Do you find yourself in prayer for friends and family so that God may move their hearts to change and grow in the ways of the LORD? Do you also pray that you can be better with your care, compassion, patience, gentleness, grace and mercy towards them?  Do a self-check and determine whether or not you can honestly say yes to any of these questions. If you can’t, use these questions as jumping off points for dialogue with Jesus in your prayer life. Ask Him to help you in these areas, as you humble your heart before Him to receive His light.

All of our relationships are a reflection of how we are living with the bridegroom of our lives, Christ. Your husband will know you in ways no one else will, and he will be able to shed light on some areas of darkness you never knew were in your heart, but most importantly, your husband will be a child of light. Children of light are children of God, and God is love. Therefore to live as a child of God, you shouldn’t be afraid of the light, but allow perfect love to cast out all fear.

Always with Love,

-Shirley

Shirley el Toby, M.Div  is a writer, facilitator and founder of Beyond the Aisle Consulting, which she excitedly will  launch soon, providing holistic support to the engaged into a healthy marriage. Shirley specializes in pre-marital counseling, individual mental health and spiritual wellness and communal ties among women. 

Shirley is a NY native and is currently pursuing her second master’s degree in Marriage and Family Therapy, and she currently resides in Connecticut with her husband. Shirley is an avid reader, especially memoirs. She has been teaching Zumba over the past six years and has ran 3 half marathons in the last year. If she isn’t planning destination vacations, or meet up with close friends, you can probably find her knitting away for friends and loved ones through her passion project Knitted in Prayer. You can follow Shirley on IG @shirleylivingloved and @knittedinprayer