In Search of the Right Fruit: A Man of Substance by Mrs. S'Ambrosia Wasike
When it comes to dating, there are two main perspectives that most Christian singles subscribe to:
Date as much as you can in order to define your preferences in a husband. Just be sure to set proper boundaries.
Courtship is the way to go. Only get into a relationship if you think it will lead to marriage.
Two very different perspectives, yet both have one key commonality. You have to know what you’re looking for.
The problem with expectations
I know some people are into making specific lists of what they want in a husband, and I went through a phase where I subscribed to that idea myself, but here’s the thing… my list was very superficial. It contained a bunch of stuff that God knew I didn’t need. He gave me almost the opposite of what I had on my list in many ways, but as my relationship with my husband began to unfold, I learned so much about how overly romanticized my expectations of marriage were and what is actually necessary to make a marriage work.
The story of how my husband and I got together is very long and convoluted, but essentially I was looking for a particular “type” of guy, but then God gave me someone completely different. For starters, I’m American and my husband is Kenyan. We met in Kenya. When we first began communicating with each other during my college years, I had been very put off by the fact that he wasn’t a strong Christian. The list could go on, but I say this to encourage you to keep an open mind as you read this post, because it’s mostly going to be about how important it is that we learn to hold loosely to our expectations. They are not the end all be all.
I know that the fact that I am married doesn’t make me the ultimate expert on what to look for in a spouse. No two experiences are the same. My experience is mine and your experience will be yours. However, after spending nearly 30 years as a single woman with a lot of the same questions that many of you may have, there are a few pointers I was given, as well as hard realities that I had to face, when God crossed my husband’s path with my own. My hope is that as I share what I have learned, it can help some of you in your journey as well.
What to look for in a husband
1. He has an authentic relationship with Jesus.
This is something that has to be tested (you will know them by their fruits). As you engage with him, check to see if the fruit of the Spirit is evident in his life. More than any spiritual jargon he can throw your way (and some guys are really good at spiritual jargon), the evidence of the fruit of the Spirit in his life is what will let you know that Jesus is actually living in his heart.
I do want to note that his level of spirituality doesn’t have to be to your standard. People love and relate to Jesus in different ways. Just because you like to spend two hours in quiet devotion with God doesn’t mean that he has to engage with God the same way. My husband will be the first to tell you that he was not the spiritual giant that I had always hoped for.
In fact, when we first got married I was often frustrated that we couldn’t have deep conversations about the Bible. But the biggest thing that attracted me to him, and still does to this day, is that he embodies the fruit of the Spirit like no one I’ve ever met before. With all my knowledge of the Bible, I can still be a really terrible person. Pride puffs up, and in my most prideful moments I can be a straight demon. Yet, this man consistently forgives, loves, and is patient with me. He may not have as much Bible knowledge as I do, but he sure does convict me in this area.
2. He’s teachable.
A friend of mine told me once that though most single women want to chase after the pastors and worship leaders and super prominent Christian men, those men are usually the ones that can be the most unyielding and proud, which leads to a lot of conflict behind closed doors. Of course, it’s not true of everyone – I’m a PK and I grew up with a super loving and kind father – but I have experienced this many times with some of the men I chased as a single woman. They’re not always the same person offstage as they are onstage.
Even though Ray was not the worship leader I had dreamed about traveling the globe with, he was willing to be taught in the things of God. He had no issues with letting me lead him spiritually until he felt ready to lead me. That played out in the form of our nightly Bible studies mostly consisting of me talking and him listening, but nowadays he contributes just as much as I do and even challenges me on some things that have led me to discover areas where I’m wrong. Had I gotten frustrated because he wasn’t the “man of God” I wanted him to be from the beginning, I would have missed out on the man of God he has become.
Note: I am not an advocate of missionary dating at all. Yes, the man must be teachable, but he must also already be saved. Jesus is his savior, not you. M’kay?
3. He is willing to communicate with you.
This is so important to determine early on in the relationship, because it will make all the difference later. His communication skills may not be the best at first – many men struggle in this area for various reasons – but there should at least be a willingness to talk. For instance, if the relationship leads to marriage and you’re going through counseling or a marriage book together, he needs to be willing to dig into his heart and show you its contents. You shouldn’t be the only one talking or the one trying to force him to talk.
And when I use the word “communication”, do understand that I use it with the belief that listening is just as important as talking. Maybe the guy is good at communicating what he wants, but is he listening to what you want? Communication is one of the most important factors in making sure people feel loved and understood, so if he doesn’t show any signs of wanting to communicate early on, I wouldn’t trust that he can do it later.
4. Your dreams for your life make sense together and don’t hinder each other from being who God has called you to be.
My husband had a hard time getting me to profess my love for him. We liked each other, but something was constantly nagging me. I just wasn’t sure what a future would entail with this guy. I didn’t feel like I knew enough about his plans for his life. So, one day I asked. And would you believe that as he shared his heart regarding the dreams God had given him, I found that some of what he said was either verbatim my own dreams or there was an obvious overlap? I can tell you, friends, that that was the moment the wall I had built around my heart officially crumbled.
Now, it might not be that obvious for everyone. I have a brother who is a Christian hip-hop artist and his wife ministers to teen girls. For a while they didn’t see any overlap between their dreams until they realized that my brother’s concerts are a great avenue for his wife to find teenage girls that need help. His mission field could also be hers. When you find someone that you think you can spend the rest of your life with, I encourage you to share the dreams God has put on your heart with one another and pray about what that may mean for your future together.
5. You’re attracted to him.
Now, I don’t mean this in the “love at first sight” kind of way. The kind of attraction I mean is the kind that can be felt more deeply because you’ve made a soul connection with someone. It’s the kind of attraction that can only be felt after spending a great deal of time with someone. Once again, some of the prettiest packages out there have some of the ugliest contents lying inside. If you look for that initial attraction before pursuing a relationship, you will likely be disappointed.
Personally, I’m African-American but because of my Midwestern upbringing, there weren’t that many people that looked like me in my small town, and the ones that did were usually somehow related to me. So my “type” lent itself to the typical Kansas boy. I had always assumed that’s the type of guy I would marry, because that’s all I knew. Never in my life would I have imagined I’d marry an African man. Even when we first were getting to know each other and I found my heart starting to connect with his, I kept reminding myself that he wasn’t “my type”. But the more I got to know his heart, the more the attraction between us grew until it became extremely obvious to everyone around us. If you jump into a relationship because of a surface level attraction, that’s probably as deep as the relationship will get.
There may be many other points people might add to my list, but I believe most would fall under one of these categories, the first category superseding them all. If he has an authentic relationship with Christ and is exhibiting the fruits of the spirit, it should be a given that he will begin to love Christ more than he loves you. Why? Because you will never have to question who is the head of his life and whose standard he leads his home by. That’s a natural fruit that people who are connected to Christ bear. I’m praying that as you work on becoming the wife God has called you to be (he that finds a wife, finds a good thing), that you keep an open heart and mind. Who knows what God has in store for you!
-Blessings
S'Ambrosia
About Author
S'ambrosia Wasike is a missionary in Kitale, Kenya, where she and her husband have a nonprofit called The Joshua Blueprint. They partner with orphanages to teach children about worship and relationship with God through the arts.