“I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride.” by Nadine Bigot
On March 22, 2008 my life changed forever. After years of dating and months of intense wedding planning, I had officially become Mrs. Dukenson Bigot. Yes!
Ever since I was a little girl, I had dreamed of the day I would wear a princess wedding dress with a sweetheart neckline. I imagined a 5-foot long wedding train with a diamond-encrusted veil just as long as my dress, and of course I would complete the look with 4-inch high shoes that had the same embroidery as my dress. My bridesmaids would wear matching satin dresses and carry freshly cut roses.
On my actual wedding day, I spared no expense in getting my hair and make-up done, not to mention the photographer who was with me from the moment I woke up, documenting every second. It was an amazingly beautiful day, and whenever I received compliments on how beautiful the wedding was or how amazing I looked, I knew all would be well.
I had successfully planned a wedding with 220 guests, 16 bridesmaids and groomsmen, 4 junior bridesmaids, and 3 flower girls. To me the hardest part was over, getting down the aisle. How hard could the marriage part actually be? Duke and I had known each other and each other’s families for a long time, and we were both madly in love. All that was left to do was to ride off into the sunset with my prince.
Famous Last Words
Fast forward to September of that same year. My husband was in school full-time and no longer working. I was working a new job for a company close to home but had taken a massive pay cut. On top of that, I was spending a lot of time at home cooking and cleaning to make my husband happy. You see, having grown up in a Caribbean household, I had been taught that I was not ready for marriage until I could iron the mess out of my husband’s shirts, cook a meal from scratch, and keep my house looking completely immaculate. Of course it went without saying that my husband would absolutely adore me in return.
My fantasy was nowhere in sight. We were both snapping at each other, the elaborate meals I had prepared for him were not being appreciated, and whenever I tried to communicate with him about certain issues, I was met with periods of silence. Confused and frustrated, I wondered what in the world had happened. By October I feared that we might be headed towards divorce.
My “Come to Jesus” Moment
One day, while I was complaining to God about my marriage and the lack of appreciation I felt, God was like, “Wait. Let’s stop right there.” He then asked me three questions:
First, He asked me if I had prayed for Duke as much as I had complained about him. Secondly, He asked why I thought that cooking and cleaning were the only key components to being a good wife. Then, the final one was more of a statement than a question. He reminded me that in my search for the right husband, the perfect dress with five extra feet of train, and an elaborate venue, I had forsaken my first love. I had thrown so much energy into being this beautiful bride and wife that I had forgotten that God was supposed to be the glue to hold my marriage together.
At first I was shocked. Next came denial. But as much as I didn’t want to admit that those things were true, I needed to be honest with myself if I wanted my marriage to work. I had been behaving as though having Duke meant I didn’t need God anymore. How could I have abandoned the One who had loved me first for someone who was still learning his role as a husband and who couldn’t quite understand my rage at him for eating the last of my red velvet cupcakes?
A Change of Focus
All too often we focus on what we need to do to get married, but we never really learn how to stay married. I had been told that there would be rough moments, but I wish I had known that these moments are not something to avoid or be afraid of, because they will test your patience and faith, and they will force you to learn things about yourself that you’ve never seen before.
It is my humble opinion that anyone can get married; however, if you want a fulfilling, lasting God-ordained marriage, it takes work. And I mean the kind of work where you cannot give up even when you want to; the kind of work that keeps going at it even when the other person isn’t doing their part. Honestly, there were times in my marriage where I was giving more than Duke was, but even though that was discouraging, that’s where I learned how to fight. The devil hates unity, and it is his plan to destroy marriages, so we must fight! Fight the feelings of wanting to give up. Fight the feelings of doubt. You’ll reap a great reward in the end.
I won’t say that knowing these things would have made my first year any easier. Living with a new person for the first time and adjusting to the roles of husband and wife is daunting. However, getting married with the mindset that a beautiful wedding equals a beautiful marriage is a recipe for disaster. What makes a marriage beautiful is establishing a secure relationship with God first, because it’s only when we are secure in Him that we can extend grace, love and forgiveness to others.
Eight years later, I am still learning and still growing as a wife and a mother, but more so as a servant of God. Only He can carry me and grace me with the wisdom and strength that I need in order to pray for my husband and not give up when times get tough. Throughout this journey I have learned so much about myself, as well as about what love really means. Would I do it over again? In a heartbeat! But instead on focusing on table settings and what the first dance would be like, you would find me praying and fasting as I prepare for this crazy adventure called marriage.
With love,
Nadine
Nadine Bigot currently resides in Brooklyn where she's been married for 8 years. Her and her husband are parents to 7 year old Calista. She is in nursing school, loves to shop, read, write, and yes her obsession with red velvet cake is still strong.