"Independence Is a Killer" by Mrs. Dawn Greene
Were you raised to think, live, and act independently? I certainly was. Generally speaking, women are constantly shaped to be that way. We’re instructed to “get in formation” and accomplish everything ourselves, because men just aren’t that trustworthy. While that statement may ring true in specific circumstances, it doesn’t work in marriage. How do I know? I did it.
I’m Every Woman!
By the time I had turned five, my dad had become physically and emotionally absent. During my formative years, I didn’t have any strong male figures in my life, but I did have plenty of spirited women. Many of them either dominated their relationships or failed to develop meaningful ones. I was trained very early that if I wanted to get anything accomplished, I had to get it done myself. I couldn’t depend on anyone, especially a man. Why? Because they lie, cheat, and steal, of course. All of them. I grew up wondering why anyone would want to be married. I can totally be every woman. It’s all in me, right?
After multiple trials, setbacks, prayers, fasts, and counseling sessions, God prepared me for my husband. Well, sort of. You know how sanctification is the process of becoming holy? Well, I’m still on the course towards becoming more and more like Christ. You are too. But that defiant spirit didn’t leave me once I walked down the aisle and said, “I will.” Actually, it took about five years for me to pry my fingers off of the reigns of my marriage. I really loved my independence.
Independence in My Marriage
Independence is defined as “freedom from the control, influence, support, aid, or the like, of others.” Sounds awesome, right? Not so in Christian marriage. Sure, I make my own money which affords me plenty of autonomy, but I had incorrectly defined dependence on God and my husband as weakness and stupidity. I didn’t realize it at first, but I had cheapened the Father’s gift to me. Though I had witnessed the bulldozing of several male family members, which established a framework of marriage in my mind, it didn’t make it right, and it didn’t serve as an excuse for me to stay in my dysfunction.
One day the Lord brought my vows to my remembrance – especially the part where I promised to love, cherish, and obey my husband. I know the word “obedience” can be a difficult one to swallow. It makes you feel like a child – substandard even. But that’s only because we’re viewing it from the world’s lens. A God-honoring marriage makes you (get ready for it…) actually want to relinquish control and be faithful to your vows. Now, of course this doesn’t happen in a day, but with prayer, intentionality, and the Holy Spirit, you can stop shouting from the mountain tops how liberated you are and actually make dependence and submission a part of your lifestyle as a wife, even when you don’t feel like it. Loving your husband isn’t about reminding him how self-sufficient you are; it’s about bearing everything, believing in everything, hoping in everything, and enduring everything concerning your husband and your marriage. You really can be selfless, respectful, merciful, charitable, and dignified in your relationships – even with a broken past.
Wisdom
I used to delight in the fact that I didn’t need my husband. I believed that he complemented my life, but if he were to ever choose to walk, I’d be fine. (Those decades of training are hard to shake.) Then recently, something happened to silence my arrogance – my grandfather passed away. My grandfather was the first person in my immediate family to transition to glory, and it was challenging to say the least. The grief, family drama, and funeral plans were a lot to handle on top of the daily stresses of life. I was talking to my husband about it all, when the words came flying out of my mouth: “I need you.” In that moment I discovered that I wasn’t independent. I didn’t have to be either. Just as I am to be my husband’s help meet (Genesis 2:18), he is to be mine. God knew precisely what I required.
The phrase “help meet” comes from two Hebrew words: ezer and k’enegdo. Ezer means to rescue, to save, and to be strong. It’s found over 20 times in the Old Testament and often refers to God rescuing and strengthening His people. Now, if God associates me – a woman and a wife – with a noun He uses to describe His character, how bad could all of this be? K’enegdo signifies “exactly corresponding to.” It should be as if my husband is looking in a mirror when he sees me. I’m different, but I fit him perfectly.
God never intended for me to be exactly like my husband. I was designed with the other 50% of the qualities, responsibilities, and attributes he lacks. I’m the opposite of him, but we work. I’m his spiritual equal, but I possess a completely different role and mission as a woman. My prayer for you, as you thrive in singlehood and prepare for marriage, is to not waste any time being angry that you can’t have a man’s role. A woman can lean on her husband, because the Lord has blessed both sides with a unique set of gifts, talents, and skills that work together to make the marriage a success. I need my husband and my husband needs me, and it’s only when I stop fighting and unite with him that I live out God’s very best life for my family.
Your Sister in Christ,
-Dawn
Dawn has a passion for equipping and empowering women to live out loud for Jesus. She’s the founder and CEO of Adara Kori as well as a seminary student working toward her Master of Arts in Christian Leadership degree with an emphasis in Ministry with Women. Her loves include Christ, her family and friends, laughing loudly, giving great hugs, and listening to
jazz. Dawn lives in the Washington, DC Metro area with her husband Cedric.