Are You Approaching Dating the Wrong Way?
The world of dating for millennials today is completely different than it was for the baby boomer generation 50 years ago. Back then it seemed as though dating, for women at least, was just a formality on the road to adding the coveted title of Mrs. to your name. In fact, getting married was so important that women would even be groomed from a young age to become the “perfect” wife. Dating then was about securing your future. With the advent of social media and dating apps, dating in the 21st century looks completely different. For this “swipe right” generation, dating is about having fun. We have become a microwave society, where everything happens fast and quick, and everyone lives in the moment without a single care about what will happen tomorrow. Dating now is about “hooking up” and not really about settling down.
In comparing these two vastly different worlds, some might see the dating process of our parents as formal and rigid, requiring too much time and investment. Likewise, there are those who may see this generation’s version of dating as too impersonal and loose. So how should we date in 2019? As Christian women in the dating world, which mindsets we should let go of and which ones should we adopt? Navigating the dating scene in this day and age requires wisdom, a strong sense of self, and an open mind.
Infusing the Old with the New
Although the incorporation of technology in the dating arena offers a greater range of options to meet new people, the detriment is that in order to engage in technology, we have to hide behind screens. Sadly, this has crippled how we communicate with one another when we are face to face. What I have noticed is missing from dating today is the actual dating part—the part where you get to know someone beyond what they can do for you. That requires going out and doing fun things that put you in a situation to see the person for who they are. This means having date nights where you can have actual authentic conversations that don’t necessarily lead to talks on marriage. Take your time. Let go of seeing potential as your cue to make him into what you want him to be. Meet him where he is and ask yourself: if he never changes from this point on, would I be okay with that? Don’t settle. It is okay to walk away from a dating experience that doesn’t work for you, which is why taking sex off the table is so important as you date. In a previous post, I shared about the danger of soul ties, and those are not something you want to mess with—especially if you’re fooling around with someone you don’t plan to keep in your life.
So which generation has it right? I believe dating is an area where we can borrow some aspects of the old to infuse with the new. It’s about finding balance between both worlds, and ensuring that God remains at the center of it all. Let’s try to keep from getting swept up in the culture of this age and actually start using wisdom to navigate the dating waters. Below, I’ve listed some suggestions to consider as you date:
Three Beliefs to Let Go of As You Date:
1. Stop Waiting for Boaz.
Many of us have over-spiritualized how we will find our future spouse, because of the romanticization of one man: Boaz. The book of Ruth, which is only four chapters long, tells the story of Ruth the Moabite, Naomi (Ruth’s mother-in-law), and Boaz. After the death of her husband Mahlon, Ruth remained committed to her mother-in-law, even to the point of accepting Naomi’s God as her own. As Ruth was handling her business and taking care of Naomi, Boaz just happened to arrive on the scene. Ruth soon took matters into her own hands, and then she and Boaz were married, and she was able to bring stability back into her and Naomi’s lives.
Many of us believe that if we just wait, our Boaz will magically appear. This ideology has many of us waiting wrong and long. In order for God to use Ruth, she had to give up her idols. Sis, let’s get real… what idols are you holding onto that are blocking your ability to receive from God? If Ruth had remained tied to her false gods, she wouldn’t have been able to receive Boaz and become part of the bloodline of Jesus Christ. So, Ruth’s story wasn’t about her waiting for Boaz; it was about the way she let go of everything she had known in order to let God work in her heart. When we stop waiting on Boaz, and start working on ourselves, we allow God to transform our lives for His glory.
2. Stop Being Hidden.
There’s a saying that a good man will climb an apple tree to find the best apple to pick instead of going for the low hanging fruit. Unfortunately, this idea has caused some women to believe that if they hide themselves, someone special is going to come looking for them. Here’s the thing about being hidden... hiding doesn’t allow us to grow in our communication and relational skills with those of the opposite sex. Remaining hidden doesn’t allow for us to grow and heal. It gives us a false sense of security, keeps us sheltered—disillusioned at times—and causes us to doubt whether we are good, worthy or beautiful enough for the relationship that we desire. Step out of your comfort zone. Stop turning your noses up at new ways to meeting people—whether that’s through online dating, singles meet-ups or social media. Stop playing it safe, believing that if you remain hidden God will bring your spouse to your doorstep. That only works in movies, sis.
3. Stop Putting Pressure on Yourself to Find “The One”.
Now that we’ve addressed the issue of putting yourself out there, I have to say that not everyone you date is going to be marriage material. We often put undue pressure on ourselves—not to mention the guys we date—when we date with the belief that the person sitting in front of us has to be “the one”. It’s amazing how we can go from 0 to 100, placing unrealistic expectations on people that we have just met. Another danger in this is that we may also prematurely tie ourselves to someone that may not be good for us. Allow dating to be a teachable experience. Sometimes dating will teach you about yourself, your unhealed wounds and unrealistic expectations. Every relationship will serve a purpose of helping you to understand yourself better and develop your idea of what you want in a spouse. So, don’t rush into making plans for your future before the desserts have even arrived at your table. Slow down. When we align ourselves to move in sync with God’s timing, He will never rush because He’s never late. Trust His timing.
Three Behaviors to Implement as You Date:
1. Ask Questions.
The best time to ask questions is when you’re dating someone. Ladies, this is not the time to play it cute. Some of us know people that are currently married that didn’t ask important questions while they were dating, and it has proven detrimental to their marriage. We have to go beyond the surface level questions of “What do you do?” “How much do you make?” and “What do you drive?”. As the relationship progresses, so should the degree of your questioning. Find out about his family history. Is there a history of mental illness, alcoholism, pornography, or abuse? Ask him what his dreams are. Do they align with yours? The questions I have learned to ask as I date have saved me time, heartache and unnecessary drama. But it’s important to note here that asking questions as you date is not about changing people. Your response to his answers shouldn’t be “He says that now, but I can change that”. It’s about learning more about the other person and discerning whether the two of you are compatible or not.
2. Keep an Open Mind.
Keeping an open mind is different from settling. When you settle, you are choosing to accept the incongruences in your relationship and basically ignore them for the sake of maintaining your relationship. When you settle, you’re operating from a place of fear; fear of losing something that may not be what God had in mind for you all along. When you keep an open mind, you’re acknowledging that as you heal, learn, and grow into the person God is transforming you to be, your desires in a spouse may also shift. We all have a “type”, but as we date from a place of wisdom, we become open to the surprises God has in store for us. Sometimes putting down our laundry list of “must-haves” will leave us open to receiving the one who is just right for us.
3. Go to Therapy.
Crazy suggestion, right? But it is so necessary! Hurt people hurt people. When we don’t allow the Lord to heal our past hurts, we carry those wounds with us into our relationships. One of the biggest things that makes dating in 2019 so different from dating 50 years ago is that we are starting the process of removing the stigma behind getting the help we need ahead of the game. Through counseling, not only can you heal from your hurts so you can love more freely, but you can also be aware of what triggers you have so you can share them openly with your partner as your relationship progresses. Working with a licensed therapist can provide us with resources and tools needed in making us better people and future spouses. You can love God and have a therapist too.
Dating is not easy, but it doesn’t have to be approached with fear. Times have changed in terms of how we date, but God is still the same. The list of suggestions I’ve offered here are not meant to ridicule you but to inspire you to evaluate your perspective on dating. The purpose of Waiting in Heels is to teach, empower and motivate women to live and operate from a healed and abundant mindset. We can’t expect anything different by doing what we have always done. Sometimes changing our routines may be the very thing needed for receiving our breakthrough.
As always, below is a journal prompt to help guide your devotional time with God, as well as a recommended reading that goes a little deeper into dating in the 21st century. Do not hesitate to email with questions and/or prayer requests at info@waitinginheels.com.
Stay blessed and fabulous!
Your sister in Waiting,
Danisha
Journal Prompt:
Which mindsets have worked for you and which ones have you identified that need to change as you go through your own dating process? Were there any suggestions in this post that particularly resonated with you? What were they and why?
Recommended Reading:
Rebecca Lynn Pope, “Love and Dating in the 21st Century: A Godly Girl Guide”
About the Author
A native of Brooklyn, NY, by way of Panama and Jamaica. Danisha is a teacher, blogger, speaker and healing coach. She is currently obtaining her masters in Marriage and Family Therapy and is writing her first book. Danisha founded Waiting in Heels as a way to teach single women how to do the healing work needed to live a purposeful and abundant life before marriage. You can follow Danisha via her website www.waitinginheels.com or on IG and FB (@waitinginheels).
She can also be contacted for speaking engagements, questions or prayer requests at info@waitinginheels.com.