Playing Hide & Seek: My Alopecia Journey
As a child, one of my favorite games to play with my friends was hide-and-seek. There was always that one friend that wanted to be the seeker, but the rest of us were usually content discovering new places to hide. Some of my friends would pick the most obvious hiding places and easily get caught, but I was a master at finding the best hiding spot.
It’s funny how remnants of our childhood find their way into our adulthood. As an adult, I became a master at hiding certain parts of myself not only from the world, but also from those closest to me. Last year my New Year’s resolution was “new year, new me”, but this year has been all about coming out of my hiding place and being my most authentic self.
There is freedom when we stop hiding who we are.
Keeping It Hidden
It all started one day when I was in the shower washing my hair. As I glanced down at my feet, I noticed clumps of hair on the shower floor. What is happening? I wondered, my mind beginning to race frantically. I had been wearing my hair natural for a while, so I knew the hair loss couldn’t be damage from relaxers.
And just as quickly as it had begun, it stopped. I told no one, not even those closest to me. Instead, I chose to hide it. I went to a barber shop and got my hair cut low enough that it would appear as though I had done a “big chop” and was starting over. When my hair grew long enough, I got braids—figuring it would work itself out while I kept it hidden. But it didn’t.
It was months before I finally told my mother. After consulting my medical doctor and ruling out any possible illnesses, I was referred to a dermatologist. That appointment rocked my world, as I was diagnosed with alopecia areata.
“Alopecia areata is a common autoimmune skin disease, causing hair loss on the scalp, face and sometimes on other areas of the body. It affects roughly 6.8 million people in the United States. Sometimes, it can lead to the complete loss of hair on the scalp (alopecia totalis) or, in extreme cases, the entire body (alopecia universalis). The condition can affect anyone regardless of age and gender, though most cases occur before the age of 30.”
-National Alopecia Areata Foundation & Medical News Today
In hopes of stimulating my hair follicles to grow, I started receiving corticosteroid injections to help suppress my immune system. For a variety of reasons, I decided to quit taking the injections as well as the oral medications. Instead, I chose to wear wigs and weaves over the next 10 years, telling no one what lied beneath the surface. What I realize now that I didn’t then is that I was reverting back to hiding. And truth be told, it was more than just my hair that I was hiding.
We hide when we are ashamed, when we’re scared, or when we don’t feel like we are going to be accepted. We hide for fear of judgment; we hide from our past mistakes. We hide our true selves, believing we aren’t good enough, smart enough, lovable enough or worthy enough. It’s a cycle that can root itself deep in our soul, and if we aren’t careful, the cycle of hiding will even continue within the confines of the sacred union of marriage. Hiding limits true intimacy with those closest to us, so it’s a stronghold that needs to be addressed before entering marriage.
When we hide our stuff, no matter what it is, we are living in a place of fear. God never intended for that to be our reality. Healing can only happen when we address our fear and give ourselves permission to be imperfect. When our lives are no longer governed by an unattainable idea of perfection, we can begin the process of being free. For me, in order to truly be free, I had to seek God and learn how to accept all of me.
“Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out; you formed me in my mother’s womb. I thank you, High God—you’re breathtaking! Body and soul, I am marvelously made! I worship in adoration—what a creation! You know me inside and out, you know every bone in my body;
You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit, how I was sculpted from nothing into something.
Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth; all the stages of my life were spread out before you, The days of my life all prepared before I’d even lived one day.”
Seeking Myself
God is never surprised by who we are, our story, or our past. When I was finally able to get honest about why I felt the need to hide, I was then able to challenge the way I saw myself. It’s easy to get swept up in the hashtags and filtered pictures on social media and then start judging ourselves through a distorted lens. In working through my personal healing journey this year, there are three lessons I learned that might challenge you in your journey:
1. Get real about why you’re hiding.
Address those areas where fear of being “discovered” has permeated your life. This step can be worked through with a trusted confidant, therapist, or pastor. When I was able to address my why, I was then free to accept myself for who I am and begin (albeit slowly) to operate from an authentic place with others. Getting real about why we hide opens our hearts to healing and self-acceptance, while allowing us to connect with others that can truly accept us for who we are as well.
“Obviously, I’m not trying to win the approval of people, but of God. If pleasing people were my goal, I would not be Christ’s servant.”
2. People need your story.
Sometimes God allows us to go through some things that hurt. But we have to remember that He is a good Father with good plans for His children. These parts of our story are not meant to make us hide or hang our head in guilt and shame. Your testimony of deliverance is meant to help others who are still in the midst of the struggle. Someone needs you to walk in freedom so they can see how it’s done. Let go of the self-criticism so that your light can fully shine.
“For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.”
3. Self-acceptance is key.
We can’t expect others to accept us if we don’t fully accept ourselves. Yes, we are all flawed—and no one is more aware of our flaws than we are—but we are also worthy and called to be the very best we can be. Jesus didn’t come to save the perfect. He came to be perfect in our weakness so that through Him, we can live a purpose-filled, abundant life.
“But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.”
There’s a joy that comes from being who we were created to be—not perfect or flawless, but boldly existing from a place of healing and strength. There may never be a cure for alopecia, but making the decision to step out from the shadows and share my story with others has given me great peace and comfort. It is my prayer that we are no longer a people who hide, but that we become seekers of truth, acceptance, forgiveness, love, and power—existing in our own truth and no longer hiding in fear, but instead living and letting our light shine brightly.
As always, here is a journal prompt for you to use during your time of prayer and meditation.
Stay blessed and fabulous!
Your sister in Waiting,
Danisha
Journal Prompt:
What are you hiding from those closest to you? How would your life look if you stopped hiding and start living your truth?
About the Author
A native of Brooklyn, NY, by way of Panama and Jamaica. Danisha is a teacher, blogger, speaker and healing coach. She is currently obtaining her masters in Marriage and Family Therapy and is writing her first book. Danisha founded Waiting in Heels as a way to teach single women how to do the healing work needed to live a purposeful and abundant life before marriage. You can follow Danisha via her website www.waitinginheels.com or on IG and FB (@waitinginheels).
She can also be contacted for speaking engagements, questions or prayer requests at info@waitinginheels.com.