Bag Lady
“Bag lady you gone hurt your back
Dragging all them bags like that
I guess nobody ever told you
All you must hold on to
Is you, is you, is you
One day all them bags gone get in your way
One day all them bags gone get in your way
I said one day all them bags gone get in your way
So pack light”
Many of you reading today's post may be like myself: in the midst of a season of waiting on God to lead you to your spouse. As you know, this season is often full of dreams of the day you'll finally be joined to the one God has prepared for you. You may even have an expectancy for this season to end so the next one can begin.
However, one of the most detrimental things we can do to sabotage our future relationship with our spouse is to carry unnecessary emotional baggage in the here and now, especially the baggage of un-forgiveness. It impedes our growth, stifles our relationships, and puts unrealistic expectations on people to fill a void that should be turned over to God. As unglamorous as this topic may be for some, un-forgiveness may be the very thing that is blocking you from receiving the full manifestation of God's blessing in your life.
Bag Handlers
The spirit of un-forgiveness is like a weed that strangles our ability to grow. Instead of becoming selfless and generous like Christ, we compartmentalize what we think we can afford to give and hoard the rest in a "safe place," free from heartache and disappointment. Because so-and-so hurt you in the past, and you weren't able to let it go, you refuse to let anyone else get too close. Un-forgiveness puts zoning limits on our love.
It's interesting how many emotionally "unavailable" people are out searching for someone to marry, while refusing to forgive the person(s) that cause them the greatest pain. Whether it was a parent, relative, ex-spouse, close friend, pastor/minister, someone of authority or even the physical loss of a loved one, when we hold on to hurt, we make the choice to walk around every day with excess baggage.
Marriage is like a crucible that one can only survive if they learn to forgive-daily. If you can't forgive others, how will you be able to forgive the person who will be by your side pushing your buttons until death do you part?
“Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.”
Unrealistic Expectations
I believe our expectations are tied to our ability to forgive. It wasn't until I forgave those that had wronged me that I was free to accept God's love to fill and heal those voids that man could never touch. When we continually carry around wounds from past relationships instead of releasing them to God, we develop distorted expectations of the roles people need to play in our lives. We become needy, attach ourselves to unhealthy people and/or things, accept abusive language and/or behavior, or we create mini-gods.
The price for not forgiving others is brokenness.
The process of becoming complete focuses not only on the person who has wronged us, but on our response as well. God never intended for use to live broken. Jesus came so that we might have life and have it more abundantly (John 10:10). We cannot expect God to bless us with His best if we are not allowing Him to make us whole in Him. Baggage and brokenness was never the intended foundation God wanted us to have with our future spouse.
Please do not think that marriage will heal past hurts. This is not the purpose for marriage. I've never been married, but I've lived with loved ones, and living with someone only magnifies the depths of who you are. If you're selfish, bitter, insecure, judgmental, and you lack love, those closest to you will see it. So don't think those attributes will disappear just because you say, I do."
Why should we forgive?
God calls us to forgive others because He forgave us. He became the ultimate sacrificial lamb for our sins so that we could live in relationship with Him for all eternity.
“In prayer here is a connection between what God does and what you do. You can’t get forgiveness from God, for instance, without also forgiving others. If you refuse to do your part, you cut yourself off from God’s part.”
Forgiveness looks good on us because it allows us to fully mature in our walk with Christ and to exemplify the Fruit of the Spirit in our lives. How can God trust you with the heart of His intended beloved for you if your heart reeks of bitterness, brokenness, and unavailability?
If we want to experience true love, we must learn to forgive. We must learn to unburden ourselves from the stress of keeping score and playing protector of our hearts, because that is God's job. When we forgive, we become the new creation and beautiful bride that God has called us to be.
The process of forgiveness is not easy. For some, it may require additional support through Christian counseling, but taking that first step puts us on the road to healing and sets us up to be open to receive the very thing we have been praying for.
Waiting in Heels is an interactive relationship between you and God. There's healing and growth in the wait as we remain sensitive to the voice of God and obedient to His direction for our lives. We cannot wait in brokenness and faith; we must choose to nurture one or the other.
I have learned during this season of singleness that if we honor God with our lives, living as the salt of the earth that He says we are, He will honor us in His own timing. What a shame it would be to miss out on God's best because of un-forgiveness. He has so much in store for you and I if we would only turn our baggage over to Him and walk in our God-given purpose. The process of healing after forgiveness can be a long one, but it actually has nothing to do with whether or not the other person is still in your life. Forgiveness is for you, not for them. It sets you free.
My Prayer
Lord God, I pray that you will comfort us, your children, as we begin to forgive those that have wronged us and tackle those uncomfortable areas that have kept us in bondage. Let your peace fall on our hearts as we start our journey on this road of healing and becoming complete in you. Plant in our hearts the seed of forgiveness and let our lives begin to show the Fruit of the Spirit, one of which is love. We understand that this will not be easy, but teach us to forgive those as you have forgiven us. Help us to have healthy expectations of others as we heal, allowing you to fill those voids. We are valuable daughters of the King, walking in kingdom purpose and authority. Satan will not have a foothold in our minds, lives or our future marriages. In your most precious name I pray, amen.
Stay blessed & fabulous
You sister in Waiting,
Danisha
Journal Questions:
Why do you think forgiveness is tied so closely to love? What would our relationship with Christ look like without either?
What are some of the unrealistic expectations you have placed on others due to your lack of forgiveness?
Healing is a process. What issue are you still holding onto that you have not fully given to Christ? How do you think this unwillingness to forgive will play out in future relationships?
If you've already forgiven those that have wronged you, what was easy or hard about that decision? What did you learn about yourself during that process?
Recommendations:
Scriptures:
The Unforgiving Servant: Matthew 18:21-35
Jacob & Esau: Genesis 25, 27, 32 & 33
Joseph's Story: Genesis 37-50
The Adulterous Woman John 8: 1-11