Understanding the Blessing in Counterfeits
Nobody wants counterfeit money, but we often run after counterfeit relationships. Counterfeit relationships can either cripple your walk with Christ or serve as a blessing. The blessing is often found in the lesson learned, but as a follower of Christ, it is up to you to not only determine what the outcome of your engagement with counterfeits will be, but to also use discernment. Not everyone is meant for our good.
How to Spot a Counterfeit
Coun·ter·feit
ˈkoun(t)ərˌfit/
adjective
made as an exact imitation of something valuable or important with the intention to deceive or defraud
I recently did some digging into counterfeit currency in the United States and the various methods used to determine what's real and what's not. Did you know that the original purpose of the United States Secret Service was to investigate and prevent counterfeits? Due to the advancement of our digital age, detection of counterfeit currency is no longer an easy task. It requires the use of trained professionals utilizing advanced technology. That means that the pen we see used in our local stores by cashiers may not always work in detecting a forgery of currency. It takes education, special training and an understanding of what to look for and how to accurately test the bill for its authenticity.
When it comes to relationships, we also need to be educated on what to look for, especially considering the reality that we often run straight into the arms of counterfeit men and women whose sole purpose is to deceive us for their own benefit. Unfortunately, the church isn’t exempt from the presence of counterfeits either. These people may wear tailored suits or even walk around quoting scriptures, but don’t let that impress you. Even the devil knows Scripture.
One key counterfeit trick we typically fall for involves an exploitation of our speed. Moving too quickly out of desperation, loneliness, sexual desire, “chemistry”, or the biological clock ticking syndrome, can have spiritual and emotional consequences that lead to brokenness. Counterfeits can pick up on that scent, and before you know it, you’re involved with someone that does not mirror the relationship God intended for you to have.
Just like the Secret Service have their own devices to detect counterfeits, we have been given our own unique detectors known as time, wisdom and discernment. Slow down. Build a solid friendship. Leave sex out of the equation. Investigate motives and process the information presented to you. Scripture tells us not to blindly believe, but to test every spirit (1 John 4:1). Some of us say we “never saw it coming,” but I believe that if we allow our minds to be overcome with denial, we can easily fall for the trappings of counterfeits.
This was a very hard lesson I recently had to learn in regards to my dating life. I asked God, “What’s ‘on’ me that I attracted this type of person?”
God’s answer was this: “The devil is especially attracted to believers, because the challenge is sweeter and your fall is a greater loss to the kingdom.”
In my waiting, I’m learning that counterfeits are useful in highlighting four specific areas of our lives: our choices, our growth, our crippling areas, and our level of faith.
Counterfeit Dating
Coun·ter·feit Dating
ˈkoun(t)ərˌfit/dātiNG
noun
“The willingness to turn a blind eye to destructive behaviors, misaligned values, a lukewarm or lackluster relationship with God, an inability to control ones sexual desires, and perverted expectations of another due to unresolved brokenness in order to rush pass the waiting season to prematurely join yourself to someone God never intended you to be spiritually and emotionally linked with.”
Your waiting period is valuable, as it’s an important time of God’s preparation in your life. Anything of value must be protected and not freely given away; however, loneliness will have you believe that you are somehow missing out on something or someone special and cause you to let your guard and standards relax a little. But your love life is not an area to relax your standards or expectations. Instead, it’s a time to cross-examine intentions, both his and yours.
As with life, dating is about choices. Don't ever feel like you don't have the ability to choose. You have come too far in your healing and tearing down of personal strongholds to allow yourself to accept foolishness and mediocrity in fear of not getting the ring. I'm not saying that your standards should be such that they reek of perfection, but what I am saying is that many of us knowingly lower our standards in order to have a piece of a man instead of waiting for the real thing.
I recently had to make the choice to walk away from a relationship. My peace detector warned me of danger ahead, and eventually the true nature of the person was revealed. My story this time around will be different, because I understand that I am worth far more than rubies (Proverbs 3:15; Proverbs 31:10).
Take a moment to review my definition of counterfeit dating and make the necessary adjustments to live and see yourself as God sees you. You’re not out of time. You may not get everything on your “list” by the age you believe you should, but being able to spot a counterfeit and not cling onto to it for dear life shows growth. If you are presently in a relationship, what is it saying about your choices?
Your Growth & Crippling Areas
God stretches you in your wait. Whether you learn and grow the first time around or you make your present test a repeated lesson, discomfort comes with growth. Ask any pregnant woman. Her eighth month of pregnancy is going to look a lot more difficult than her second month. But there’s also beauty in your growth and a stronger relationship with God that gives you grace in your wait.
Someone once told me that counterfeits always come before the real thing. As I grow in my personal and spiritual walk, what was once attractive has lost its appeal. When I get discouraged, I remind myself of what God says in His Word: no good thing will He hold from me; before I was born He knew me; His plans for me are far greater than what I can even dream or imagine. You may kiss a lot of frogs before you meet your prince, but each frog comes with lessons and each lesson shows your growth and your ability to trust God.
Soul ties are a powerful thing. They are spiritual, but they can also be sexual or a mental bond between you and another person. This bond can be beneficial or detrimental to your spiritual health. Counterfeits will magnify your crippling areas. That habit you haven’t been delivered from or that “type” that you seem to run back to over and over again. For some, the “Denzel type” is their kryptonite, and anyone fitting that description gets an easy pass into their heart and life. For others, the acceptance of destructive behavior and physical abuse has crippled them right where they are, because they have been conditioned to believe they do not deserve better. Deliverance is needed to break soul ties; that thing that keeps catching your eye or that person you cannot let go. These areas, if not dealt with in a healthy way, can destroy your chances at being able to receive the real thing.
Use your waiting season to address areas that have kept you bound and stuck. Praying, fasting, and even seeking a godly therapist can help move you past those areas that have kept you bound for years. It’s funny how many singles refuse to do any emotional introspection. We investigate and inspect our future jobs, our money, and our homes before we buy them, but we won’t do the necessary investigation of ourselves, which could help heal and bring us back to wholeness. There’s a certain vulnerability that is needed in addressing our crippling areas. Whatever God has set free is free indeed! Part of no longer accepting counterfeits means surrendering our hearts and minds to God so that true transformation can take place. Transformation brings a new outlook on life. Transformation breaks cycles and gives us the ability to look and expect better for our lives.
Faith Walk
“Rest assured, God is not going to have you
wait and then send you trash!”
Being able to walk away from counterfeits declares your resolve to not subscribe to “missionary dating” or “dating projects”. It also helps you to discover your non-negotiables. You are not called to be a missionary in your dating life, trying to win that person over to Christ in hopes that they will become your future spouse. Of course many will disagree, as there are some that have snagged their spouse that way, but God has called us not to be unequally yoked with unbelievers. That doesn’t mean you can’t direct that person to someone else that can help them accept Christ as their Lord and Savior, but it does mean that they need Christ more than they need a relationship with you, so you need to give them space to become all that God has called them to be. In the end, that person may not be intended for you. Maybe they just needed to go through their own process to be prepared for God’s best for their life.
For all my sisters that love projects, do not let that counterfeiter become yours. Some counterfeits will never accept Christ. Some might wear you down to the point your guard crumbles, making you susceptible to pain and chaos. Others may have to accept that in their pursuit and attainment of a spouse, they will have to deal with the consequences of being the only church-goer in the home. Whatever the case, I have never spoken to a couple that dated God’s way and regretted their choice. I have never met a couple that regretted waiting and courting God’s way before marriage.
“And oh, my dear Timothy, guard the treasure you were given! Guard it with your life. Avoid the talk-show religion and the practiced confusion of the so-called experts. People caught up in a lot of talk can miss the whole point of faith. Overwhelming grace keep you”
How you wait has a direct correlation to the level of your faith (Tweet that!). Don’t be concerned with those that will challenge your desire to stay pure during your wait or encourage you to take on projects. Don’t buy into the chatter of “there’s no available men to marry” (marriages still happen every year). Your level of faith will shine through in the dating process. It shows whom your hope is really in (God or TMZ). Faith allows you to stand on His promises, even when it looks discouraging, because you know that His ultimate desire for you is to bless you and never to harm you (Jeremiah 29:11).
Waiting does not mean that you don’t date. But when you are close to the Father, you understand there is a blessing, even in the counterfeits that cross your path. You are stronger, wiser and committed to the process of waiting and becoming complete in Him until God blesses you with the real gem.
I pray that during your season of waiting you are growing in Christ and becoming the person He saw way back on the cross all those years ago. Remember, waiting on God is never easy...but it is worth it!
As always, there are some journal activities you can do in your own personal time. These activities should help you dive a littler deeper into the areas in your life that still need thoughtful consideration and work. The books below are recommendations (not endorsements).
Stay blessed & fabulous
You sister in Waiting,
Danisha
Journal Questions:
What is your definition of counterfeit dating? Are you able to identify the counterfeits in your life?
If you could write a letter to your younger self, what dating lessons would you share? How have the choices you've made helped or distracted you from your relationship with Christ?
What steps have you taken in your walk to allow God to deliver you from those crippling areas in your life?
Recommendations:
Books:
"The Resolution for Women" by Priscilla Shirer
Scripture:
Psalm 23 (a psalm of David about God's protection and goodness)